Moody & Miserable

Posted on: July 21, 2011

Boy oh boy! What a summer it has been. I started this blog a few months ago with all intentions of entering something at least once a week, if not more so (I know, that’s what every new blogger says). But this summer has proved to be quite trying for me. I mentioned before that I enrolled to take full-time classes for the entire summer semester (10+ weeks) while continuing to work full-time…and plan a wedding (Save the Date 8/18/12!!) and well, ya know, try to stay as healthy as possible with RA, CFS, fibro, scoliosis….

Here I am half way thru week 9 of the semester. I try not to think about it because I honestly don’t have an answer as to how I made it thus far. I apologize to those close to me, especially my fiance because these 9 weeks have brought out my not-so-pretty side. I really only cried about twice, mostly because I don’t have the energy to breathe let alone actually create tears and cry them out!

I like to hope that it will be worth it in the end, by maybe getting a great job with less hours, less travel and less stress…but I think I choose the wrong degree to pursue. Oh well, once this summer semester from hell is over (and I do have to remind myself about 50x a day that it WILL be over soon) I will graduate May 2012, get married in August 2012 and *hopefully* get to begin our lives together.

Sounds kinda like a fairytale though, right? Education, marriage, family, happiness. I have to constantly wonder…can all of this be attainable with a chronic illness? And by attainable I mean as comfortable as possible with as little flares, breakdowns, stress, and tears. Days like this I find it very hard to believe that it is. For one, I plan my month around my orencia infusion. Today, after going to an 8:30 am meeting for work, running into the office to get as much work done as possible for a few hours, taking my vacation time to get to my infusion appointment, drive in 95 degree weather into the city (which is my nightmare) with just enough time for the infusion before class to be told that they must have messed up the schedule and they can’t see me today. BUT I can come back Friday. Really? Because Friday doesn’t work for me, I have a job and school work and other responsibilities that giving up more vacation time at my stressful busy job is just not in the cards for another day. Technically I could have waited 3.5 hours for them to fit me in at the end of the night…but alas I have my one and only in-class final exam tonight at that time. Boooooo.

I left. I fought back tears. Paid the parking lot attendant and headed downtown to school. I wanted to kick and scream and cry because it’s not fair…but I don’t have the energy. And seeing how I’m already 2 weeks late on the infusion…I don’t want to send myself into a flare in the 97 degree weather with a heat index of 105. Just then…the fatigue hits me like a mac-truck. And to walk six blocks to take a test now.

I’m sorry. I had to vent. On top of that I get to deal with co-workers brushing off the severity of my illness to talk about how bad they are doing. Can I just live on a pain-free deserted island please? Can you tell that this is seriously my summer from hell? Moody and miserable is pretty much my daily status. Hopefully that will change soon. Again, I apologize as this entry really didn’t promote health or inspiration…but as superhuman as I try to be, I am still just human at times.

2 Responses to "Moody & Miserable"

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my future plans and relationship and the sentence “can all of this be attainable with a chronic illness?” has crossed my mind quite a few times. And my summer has been one of many flares and tears as well. Hopefully, fall will be better to us!

I hope the fall is better to us as well! And I really do hope it is a positive answer for us regarding “having it all with chronic illnesses” I guess we can only hope and keep doing what we can.

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